There was a time when the old Army adage of "Fuck up and move up" also applied only to five-martini business executives who were elevated to vice presidents of something-or-other in Boise, never to be heard from again. These days, however, the adage is exclusively trademarked by the Republican Party.
The nation's most contemptible fuckup, Donald Trump, has of course moved on up to the White House, where he's surrounded by a bevy of fuckups from Breitbart and other netherworlds of exceptionally fucked-up buffoonery. And now, reports the Kansas City Star, the most egregious fuckup on the state level, Gov. Sam Brownback of Kansas, is about to be promoted by the nation's most contemptible fuckup to the U.S. ambassadorship to the United Nations for food and agriculture, which comes with a plush residence in Rome.
The Star also reports that "Two officials in Kansas government … said that Brownback has had discussions about the position but not made a decision yet." If he's smart, which he isn't, he'll nevertheless jump on the job like it's the last train out of Dodge.
Let us review what marvels of chief executive accomplishment have earned Brownback this desperate, ambassadorial honor. Under his guidance, Kansas now faces a $1 billion budget deficit, just as it struggles to contrive "a new school finance system by June 30 after the Kansas Supreme Court concluded that the state has failed to ensure adequate education funding for all students."
Last year, according to polling results, Brownback was the returning "winner of the most-reviled trophy" in state politics: the "least popular governor in the United States." (His approval rating was 26 percent.)
As governor, Brownback successfully labored to "further restrict welfare and Medicaid benefits" to the state's neediest, which included hurling 1,414 Kansans with disabilities off the rolls. From the education budget he cut $200 million, while lavishing a "'pro-growth tax policy' [on] business and high-earning individuals … that he promised would … create thousands of jobs." In 2015 — Brownback's fourth year in office — "Kansas had just 9,400 new private-sector jobs" ("out of 2.6 million nationwide").
All things that mattered in Kansas had gotten so bad by 2014 — Brownback's reelection year — roughly 100 notable state GOPers backed his Democratic opponent, who damn near won. (Brownback actually lost the total popular vote by 656 ballots, which, for a Republican governor in reddest Kansas, is damn near an impossibility.)
Nonetheless, all these Brownbackian fuck-ups have put him in promotional line for a U.S. ambassadorship on the world stage. And all I can say is that if he does for global agriculture what he did for Kansas, you had best stock up on canned goods.