Mitt Romney's role in the presidential campaign circus has always reminded me of one of Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear and Loathing '72" assessments: "There is no way to grasp what a shallow, contemptible and hopelessly dishonest old hack Hubert Humphrey really is until you've followed him around for a while on the Campaign Trial."
Thompson punctuated his disdain for Humphrey's pandering to each and every Democratic constituency by burlesquely captioning a photo of the senator saying, "I was a Jew once myself."
All I can say in Hubert's defense is that at least he limited his pandering to his party's base. His whorishness was but a function of the natural order of things. But Mitt? He recognizes no such tasteful boundaries. He panders to everyone. The man is a greased slab of elaborate demagoguery in motion -- and today will be either his finest or final hour.
He will meet it in Michigan, which holds his fate in one of those cliched do-or-die primaries. Forget all the statistical studies: that state will tell us in the next few hours whether there's any payoff from civics classes in the public education system. For today it will answer the quadrennial question: Is "democracy" spelled b-a-m-b-o-o-z-l-e-m-e-n-t?
Last Thursday, Mitt saw his darkening skies open when John McCain was foolish enough to let slip a nugget of truth: "Sometimes you have to tell people things they don’t want to hear along with things that they do want to hear." He then uttered one of the allergic unwanteds: "There are some jobs that aren’t coming back to Michigan," as well as other states, such as the locus of his tutorial, South Carolina.
Mitt pounced like a rabid ferret. His piety had paid off -- right then, he saw proof of an almighty god who looks out for rich demagogues. "I know," sputtered Mitt, "that there are some people who think, as Senator McCain did -- he said, you know, some jobs have left Michigan that are never coming back. I disagree. I’m going to fight for every single job."
And such has been Mitt's liturgical humbug ever since. He knows that an opportunistic swindle is a precious thing to waste.
By the weekend he was on CNN, blaming the auto industry's woes on -- yep, you guessed it -- Washington pols, rather than myopic auto-industry executives and, good or bad, the globalized free trade that he so adores.
"What have they done to help the domestic auto industry?" he asked, while decrying Washington's deplorable efforts at increasing fuel efficiency and perhaps even aiding the environment. "Look, you can't keep on throwing anvils at Michigan" -- you know, like cleaner air -- "and then say, how come [it's] not swimming well?"
So what is Romney's well-considered plan, other than smogging us up a little more?
Well, as he explained to the Detroit Economic Club yesterday, in "his fight for every single job" he intends to turn the whole mess over to a gaggle of auto executives, union leaders, state representatives and members of Congress, otherwise known as those dreaded Washington insiders. They can just by God work something out and, presumably, he'll sign it. Now there's leadership for you.
But I'll be fair. There was more, according to the New York Times. "He also said he would increase fivefold, to $20 billion, federal support for research and development in energy, materials science, fuel technology and automotive technology."
Now you may see that as a razzle-dazzle, laissez-faire flip-flop, but Mitt knows it takes a lot of hypocrisy to buy votes. And once in the White House, he can finally do it with your money instead of his. That, at least, is today's plan. Tomorrow's shall be vastly different, depending on the audience to be conned.
Whatever. Just keep in mind, gentle Michiganites, that it's said that Mitt's "campaign is built around his business prowess" -- which has largely entailed, of course, the shipping of American jobs overseas to minimize labor costs and maximize shareholders' profits.
So when Mitt says, "Don’t listen to anybody who says those jobs aren’t coming back -- I’m not willing to accept that," just remember his only real roots, and take not to heart the deeply piled, demagogic manure he's been spreading.