Since the professional right is thrusting all manner of useless advice on their party's nominee, it is, at long last, time for Mitt Romney to hear something of actual utility--something that could, and I'd wager would, narrow the yawning electoral chasm that has opened between him and President Obama. In a speech, Romney should say:
"It's bullshit. OK? It's all bullshit. Everything I've been saying in the general and everything I said during the primaries is bullshit. Bullshit from beginning to end, except whenever I slipped up and and forgot who I was supposed to be and thus mistakenly uttered something sensible, such as 'if you take a trillion dollars for instance, out of the first year of the federal budget, that ... is by definition throwing us into recession or depression. So I’m not going to do that, of course.'
"That was intelligent. That was honest. OK? And therefore that's the very kind of thing I'm not supposed to say as the Republican Party's nominee, because the base is exceptionally heavy on morons.
"Well, screw 'em. They're taking this party down in flames, and I won't allow it. Not any more. Here's the deal. Listen up.
"Our entire economic theory is bullshit. Got it? Bullshit. Supply-side economics has proven itself an intellectual insult since the Gipper--crack economist that he was--shoved it down our gullible, unsuspecting throats 30 years ago. For Christ's sake, people, haven't you noticed its effects? Massive deficits, a steadily accumulating national debt, wealth inequality beyond a banana republican's dreams, fewer jobs and fewer benefits and less societal security since the goddam Haymarket riots? Some actor, recently, said it best: Wake the fuck up, people. Supply-side economics is a bullshitting scam which, duh, benefits only the scammers.
"Healthcare? You're goddam right I'm proud of what I did in Massachusetts. Yes, I meant it as a model for the nation, and that's exactly what it became. Good. End of that story.
"Social issues? Abortion? Women's rights? Gay rights and gay marriage? Anything along those lines? Look, I call myself a Republican and we Republicans have traditionally been small government and libertarian and that's what I stand for and if you want an opinion on abortion your milkman's would be as valid as mine. So why ask me? These things are none of my business: not as a Republican, not as a conservative, not as a politician, and not, potentially, as a government official.
"As for foreign policy ... more bullshit. That's about all we've had to offer for years. This neoconservative crap? This notion that American firepower can grab everyone by the balls and thus their hearts and minds will simply follow? This idiotic idea that I as a president or we as a nation can dictate others' futures? That stern presidential lectures and national resolve and Marines with guns blazing can somehow extinguish global fanaticism and hate? Here, perhaps you need less to wake up than to fucking grow up. OK? The muscular garbage we've been spewing is just more routine bullshit.
"I could go on, but those are the essentials, folks. I've been sitting atop an immense, bullshitting fraud, which has been calling itself the Republican Party. It's not. It's no longer even the party of Ronald Reagan, let alone Teddy Roosevelt or Abe Lincoln. We've been bamboozling independents and playing to the morons for so long, even we at the top have deluded ourselves into believing that power is the only legitimate objective. Well, it's not. Power's a hoot, power's a lot of fun, power is great to have, but not at the expense of my very soul. So vote for me, or not. I'm going to lose anyway. And I really don't care. Hell I've got more money than a Saudi oil baron. Nothing can faze me. But I won't add to this fraudulent, Big Lie of a party any longer.
"Thank you, and good night."
He'd be right, of course. He'd still lose, just as he'll lose on his present course. But he'd probably lose by far less.