A critical, and previously omitted, comment on my temporary absence, which no one synopsized more brilliantly than the novelist William Styron, in his Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness.
Of the many dreadful manifestations of the disease [depression], both physical and psychological, a sense of self-hatred … is one of the most universally experienced symptoms, and I had suffered more and more from a general feeling of worthlessness as the malady had progressed….
The madness of depression is, generally speaking, the antithesis of violence. It is a storm indeed, but a storm of murk. Soon evident are the slowed-down responses, near paralysis, psychic energy throttled back close to zero. Ultimately, the body is affected and feels sapped, drained.
Thank you, Mr. Styron, on behalf of all of us who suffer from this debilitating disease. I felt my most recent episode coming on for months. Each week, the episodes intensified, until by a week or so ago I could n0t eat, sleep, think clearly, confer politely, or even get out of bed.
My only difference with Styron is this:
"In depression this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come—not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary; more pain will follow. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul."
My severe depressions are episodic. I will get better and I'll stay better, perhaps for years. So, again, I shall return.