I'm scheduled for a minor heart procedure — something to do with evolving atrial fibrillation and other mystic matters of cardiac bugaboos — August 13th. But that's the least of it; nothing to fret about as far as I'm concerned. However, perhaps you've experienced the nerve-wracking, heart-thumping nightmare of merely scheduling a goddamn heart procedure.
Today, in so doing, and in battling the medical community's bureaucracy, I have been absolutely dumbfounded by its abject senselessness — usually synonymous with "bureaucracy." Is the hospital chiefly concerned that I survive the procedure on its cold metal slab? Ha! What it's worried about, almost exclusively, is that I have someone with me at 6:30 a.m. to check in, and then to have either that driver or a hearse scheduled to pick me up after the procedure. Otherwise they won't proceed with what it is they need to do, which they maintain is essential for my deteriorating health.
Shakespeare, in one of his rare moments of non-lucidity (in Henry VI, as I recall), advocated through a character, "First, let's kill all the lawyers." Not a bad beginning at all. But I say, just as a warm-up, first let's kill all the imbeciles who write senseless bureaucratic rules.
You had to wear a heart monitoring pack for a while didn't you? And they looked at the results and scheduled you for a pacemaker install. Let us call that an upgrade to PM 2.0 That's what happened to my mother five years ago when they examined her read out. Except they called her and ordered her to get to the emergency ward right away. Like Now. And so she did without telling me or anyone else until she had driven there. Which quite excited the staff who didn't imagine she still had a license or would even think of driving. Here we are, five years later, and she still has a license and still passes her yearly driving exams. Consider this a minor tune up which has the side benefit of not requiring you take blood thinners.
I insist you stick around for I hope to synchronize an election night toast with all your readers and commenters.
Posted by: Peter G | July 30, 2019 at 03:19 PM
I appreciate the analogy, Peter, quite a good guess, but no, no monitoring pack. Instead my daughter raced me to the hospital month's ago because she thought I was once again on death's door (which she's rather accustomed to thinking, after my being confined to bed for months because of extreme fatigue. I bet you didn't know — well how the hell could you? — that for two or three years I've done all my writing propped up in bed.) There they did an EKG and announced I had had a heart attack, which I hadn't. They transferred me to a larger hospital, which thereupon diagnosed — correctly — a pulmonary embolism — with the added treat of atrial fibrilation onset. I just love surprises. What I didn't know — the diagnosis I have ignored for months — was that an atrial malfunction causes extreme fatigue. Thus writing from bed and otherwise collapsing while upright. Come Aug, 14th. I'll be writing while ice skating (except I don't know how to ice skate). So then I'll be rewriting from the hospital with broken bones.
Posted by: P.M. Carpenter | July 30, 2019 at 04:31 PM
I wish you nothing but the best for a speedy recovery. I had my aortic valve replaced with an artificial one so now I am no longer 100% human and have to take blood thinners the rest of my life. But at least I don't tire as easily and I don't get tightness in my chest during physical activity. And now my heart ticks but at least it doesn't sound like an old washing machine getting ready to die anymore so I feel very fortunate and grateful to be alive.I don't know what method of procedure they're going to do on you, cutting into your chest or something less invasive, but take it very easy afterwards. Heart surgery really knocks the juice out of you, but the recovery is well worth it.
Posted by: Anne J | July 30, 2019 at 05:03 PM
Good to know. My mom kept passing out infrequently while standing and of course experienced the fatigue you describe. Hence the concerns about driving. Atrial afib was the cause and a pacemaker the cure. You should be skipping around like a mountain goat in short order. Don’t know if they explained this to you but afib causes embolism formation. You dodged a bullet if it wound up in your lungs and not that pretty admirable brain you possess. Git er done. All will be well.
Posted by: Peter G | July 30, 2019 at 05:13 PM
Oh no, nothing like like at all, just something crawling up my male groin, which I've alays enjoyed.before Just wish I could be awake this time, you know, like the 60s or 70s?
And Anne, ny father had an artificial value implanted. He lived for decades after that. Don't sweat it. Enjoy. Love you.
Posted by: P.M. Carpenter | July 30, 2019 at 05:14 PM
Well with any luck after the procedure you can enjoy life almost like it's the '60's and 70's again! Take care of yourself and may you have better days ahead. Love you too!
Posted by: Anne J | July 30, 2019 at 07:48 PM
Well, heart problems are one type of health problem I haven't had yet. When I hear of others problems in this regard, it gives me a queasy feeling. I once nearly fainted while visiting a friend in the hospital who had bypass surgery.
I don't quite understand what they will do in August that will get you out of bed and ice-skating. But I greatly hope for that result.
Speaking of ice skating, I once nearly cracked my head open when I fell over backwards while *trying* to ice skate. Evidently and fortunately I have a hard head.
Posted by: Tony | July 30, 2019 at 08:56 PM
PM, I wrote to you before I read this commentary. You have the best wishes of all your readers and every reason to believe that you’ll feel much better soon. Love from all your grateful readers. I speak for everybody.
Posted by: Mary | July 31, 2019 at 06:28 AM
Wishing you all the best for a speedy recovery.
Posted by: shsavage | July 31, 2019 at 08:28 AM
"You have pig valves, but you still eat bacon." - my oldest friend's then-eight year-old daughter, a few years back. Out of the mouths of babes. Two of my best friends have rebuilt hearts and are very, very happy. The heart is one organ they really have mastered. Sending you healing vibes and wishing you a speedy recovery.
Posted by: Max | July 31, 2019 at 10:06 AM
" just something crawling up my male groin, which I've always enjoyed." Yes, I've heard that tickles. I'm pretty sure I heard that right. :-)
I've always admired how you manage to have a sense of humor during your health challenges and goodness knows you've had more than your share. Get this one done and then you're due some breezy times ahead. All the best to you PM.
Posted by: Freesia | July 31, 2019 at 11:33 AM