The subheading of Peggy Noonan's latest WSJ column is "Of course it's too early to drop out. A veteran GOP speechwriter has advice on challenging Trump." The number of candidates remaining in the ... "race"? ... is down to one, but had the others done what the GOP speechwriter advises, race could be typed sans question mark and air quotes.
The speechwriter whom Noonan called on for forwarding advice is Landon Parvin. He put words in the mouths of Reagan, both Bushes and Arnold Schwarzenegger, plus their occasional extemporaneous remarks. What Parvin has to offer Trump-chellenging Nikki Haley is strikingly commonsensical; indeed every time I read one of these "Here's what [Candidate X] must do" from a consultant, speechwriter or rhetoric professor to the stars, my one thought is: Has this not already occurred to the desperate politician?
It has. Because it is patently commonsensical. Why some pols nonetheless forego the first-edition "Playbook of Campaign Conduct" is beyond me, but that's their problem, not mine. In others, their ego is so gargantuan they always know better — and usually lose.
Parvin's one-opponent advice to Haley, or at least its thrust: "Speak up for all the Republicans who have been demeaned, diminished and threatened by Trump"; use humor — here I would add, "to demean and diminish Trump"; "make fun of his self-importance and self-regard"; "show that he’s out of control, that he has no rails, no boundaries"; and "don’t try too hard," the opposite of which Nikki Haley does effortlessly. Relax, Guv.
Thrown into this mix is an elegant yet down-home line whose originator I know not. Parvin or Noonan? It's not in quotes, so it would seem to be Noonan's, or it could be a Parvin thought refined by Noonan. It's also not advice, although it's preceded by such: "Admit you are not as entertaining or maybe exciting as he is, but that’s OK, you’re running not to entertain but to lead." Then comes that which is thrown in — a thumping summation that struck me as something beautifully useful against a blunderbuss peasant like Trump:
"A rabid squirrel in a chemistry lab is exciting to watch but can do a lot of damage."
Perfect. In that one sentence there is all. It indirectly speaks up for others demeaned, in turn it humorously demeans Trump, it pokes fun at his God-knows-where-he-got-it self-regard, it emphasizes his total lack of control, and just uttering a funny line shows the orator isn't trying too hard. Were I Ms. Haley, I'd ask Parvin-Noonan for reproduction rights.
Could be I'm alone in my high estimation of this particular body slam. But it is funny. And nothing gets under Donald Trump's epidermis like making him the butt of a joke. Remember his seething expression at the 2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner, where President Obama reduced him to a puddle of humiliation?
That's what Nikki should shoot for. (Christ, now they've got me doing one of those "Here's what [Candidate X] must do" routines.) Trump has no sense of humor, his skin is as gossamer thin as Saran Wrap, when mocked he gets mad — and that's when he's more likely to say something prodigiously, exceptionally stupid even for him.
If I were you, Nikki, I'd deploy the "rabid squirrel in a chemistry lab" every damn day. Then sit back and watch Donald fume, whence he does a lot of self-damage.
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