A clear case of discrimination most fowl. That's what it is. The rampant shanghaiing of evidently flightless geese is occurring in the perilous domesticated-animal and companion-pet land of Springfield, Ohio. And yet no national news flashes or goose alerts from JD or presidential nominees aggressively flogging this tale of outrage on the campaign stump — merely because the species lacks four legs and can't purr.
Only local news station ABC 6 was on the story a week ago.
Reports have circulated online that Haitian immigrants have been stealing geese from a park in Springfield, Ohio.
According to [the Ohio Department of Natural Resources], the first call came in March with a person claiming they saw three people grab a live duck and goose from Synder Park, place them in a trash bag and drive away.
ODNR says its officer monitored the area and didn't find any evidence of a crime. They were able to make contact with the witness, but no supporting evidence was given to verify their claim.
Springfield's city manager, Bryan Heck — known by the town's real Americans as "Crooked Bryan" — released a statement about "recent rumors alleging criminal activity by the immigrant population in our city" and declared "that there have been no credible reports or specific claims of pets being harmed, injured or abused by individuals within the immigrant community."
But the Trump-endorsed highest-ranking law enforcement official in the state of Ohio saw through Heck's hoax.
There’s a recorded police call from a witness who saw immigrants capturing geese for food in Springfield. Citizens testified to City Council.
— Attorney General Dave Yost (@DaveYostOH) September 11, 2024
These people would be competent witnesses in court.
Why does the media find a carefully worded City Hall press release better evidence?
If Mr. Yost had not been endorsed by Donald Trump, he'd likely be aware that eyewitnesses are universally known in legal circles as the least competent of any prosecutor's resources. But the mark of T outs them every time: the ill-lettered and ill-schooled in this happy, carefree republic's higher public offices.
Could Yost, JD and Don really have been on to something, though? At least about the devouring of cats? And we're the ones laughing at our peril?
Once again, ABC 6 was on the story. Two months ago a 27-year-old woman was indeed arrested on animal cruelty charges for having killed and eaten a residential cat. And according to the police report, she did it "in front (of) multiple people." (Now that's "weird.")
The station further reported that she "is being held in Stark County jail pending" — yeah, I should think so — "a competency hearing next month." That would be November; the ABC 6 story is from 10 days ago. So she's remains there, watching Fox News.
There is one minor problem in how Don & Co. might relate the tale, though — not that reality would stifle their efforts. ABC 6 also reported that this story may have been "conflated" with other stories by persons (well-known). The cat-killing-eating incident occurred not in Springfield but in Canton, Ohio, 173 miles away from that town of recent fame.
Still, I pray for you geese of Springfield. A whole lot of Republican pols are and will be coming to your city, my feathered friends. And there's no peril for every living thing like the peril of whole lots of Republican pols in any city.
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Update: This just in. Incontrovertible evidence:
A woman resident of Springfield speaking to The Atlantic's Elaine Godfrey: "'You don’t see as many geese and ducks' in the park these days."
What further proof is needed?
Pray for the gooses and ducks, my children. And pray hard.
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