A Borowitz Twofer: No Satire, Just the Facts, Ma'am

This one is most certainly not satire.

Iranians Who Hacked Trump Say They Did Not Find Even a Concept of a Plan

TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—Iranian hackers who accessed Donald J. Trump’s computers revealed on Monday that they were unable to obtain even a concept of a plan.

“We spent days searching for a plan, and when we came up empty, we tried looking for a concept of one,” the chief Iranian hacker said. “All we found was bullshit.”

The Iranians also searched for the identity of the Taliban official named “Abdul” mentioned by Trump during the last debate, but to no avail.

“The closest we could find was a reference to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who Trump called ‘overrated,’” the hacker said.

Further frustrating the Iranians, much of the material by Trump was in a language not identifiable as English.

°°°

And I'm pretty sure this one isn't, either. I think he could use a little rouge, too.

JD Vance Admits Receiving Payments from Maybelline

EASTON, PA (The Borowitz Report)—JD Vance found himself embroiled in scandal on the eve of Tuesday’s vice-presidential debate amid reports that he had accepted payments from the makeup brand Maybelline.

According to the reports, the Ohio senator received in excess of $62,000 in exchange for wearing Maybelline’s Tattoo Studio Smokey Gel Pencil Eyeliner during his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention.

A defiant Vance told reporters that the money he accepted from Maybelline did not “in any way influence my decision to use their eyeliner, which has been my go-to makeup product since high school.”

Lashing out at his accusers, the senator said, “If wanting to look beautiful is a crime, I plead guilty.”

Comments

[Anne J]

I'm sorry but no makeup tips can make that baby fat covered face with a weak chin look better. Especially when you account for that mean, arrogant look in his eyes. Maybe it's Maybelline? Then maybe I will switch to Cover Girl products instead.

Also, Lincoln Project came out with another doozy of a video with Vance's argument about not leaving abusive marriages.

https://youtu.be/N3lVk1cJZPA?si=5CmGQVEv7sG6hO1E