Prologue. I almost made it on time to today's medical appointment. I'm always late, but only for this genre of non-punctuality. (I have pondered deeply this idiosyncrasy, conclusion: It's a passive-aggressive thing I don't want to go, I don't want to be there, thus I inconvenience others in a toddler tantrum. I much prefer reclining in bed like Churchill, he with his cigar and brandy, I, my vape pen and beverage of choice, rattling out on my laptop vaniloquence such as this.)
So how, I hear you cry, did I almost make it on time today? After merging onto the highway, put-putting along at my usual 70-something mph, a cop in an SUV passed me. No lights, no evident hurry on business. He was doing 81 mph. I know because I got behind him and did 81 myself, trailing along, all the way to my exit. Hey, cops are supposed to be role models for us citizens, right? Us little people? Well then, I rolled with The Man.
Man-eating toilets. The prologue is in fact related to these beastly things. Upon arriving at the hospital, then down to the circuitous bowels of radiology, I was brutally forced to imbibe three 12 0z. bottles of I know not what in 30 minutes. Then, even more inhumanely, I had to wait 30 more minutes before the CT scan. Because I'm no longer in full possession of my very own circuitous bowels, gravity kicked in. Thus I sat on a kind of waterslide until I could make it to the restroom. (I knew you'd want to know that.)
And there it was. When I stood to flush, the beastly thing was staring at me, in all its hideousness. The creature was two-headed, like Orthrus. Below, the threatening toilet itself; above, a menacing, even sinister sign — although, happily, it did prevent me from reaching my hand down into the toilet, which I commonly do after usage. Don't you? And I have proof of this man-eating (a woman would be far too smart) toilet.
So beware: If your hospital has not yet a kennel-full of these vicious two-headed monsters, waiting to be unleashed on those of us who dare fiddle in poop, it soon will, is my guess.